


The Shadow of Your Heart

by preraphhobbit



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Dark Side Rey, F/M, Leia Organa Deserves Better, Multi, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, The Last Jedi spoilers!!!, and fucking DYING, future smut, kylo ren is a lonely boy and needs a hug, listen i'm going to hell and honestly....i'm okay with it, rey comes up with a plan, setting this literally right where tlj ended
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 15:35:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13103235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preraphhobbit/pseuds/preraphhobbit
Summary: then i heard your heart beating | you were in the darkness too | so i stayed in the darkness with you |"next time, I won't walk away from you." "next time, I won't let you walk away."(title and blurbs from 'cosmic love' by florence + the machine)





	The Shadow of Your Heart

“You remind me of him sometimes.”

“Of who?” she answers, although she knows.

“Of Ben.” The stars are like shards of glass beyond the Falcon’s window. “Of who he used to be.”

General Organa never betrays her feelings. Perhaps it is the Jedi in her: shining threads of light and dark that run too deep to be seen by the naked eye. Sometimes Rey senses it when they are alone. An energy that vibrates around the older woman- like what she sensed with Luke Skywalker, but dimmer somehow. More subtle, bound up tightly in controlling cords. 

“He wasn’t always dark. I confess I never thought he would turn but I...I was foolish.” She half-smiles, lowering her head to look at her ringed hands. “I thought if we never told him about Vader there’d never be any danger, but he knew. It was in him all along.”

“What was?” Rey asks softly. 

“The darkness.”

“I tried to...to make him come back.” She scratches angrily at her cheek. “I told him he could, that he could choose the light again…”

“I know, Rey. But you couldn’t make him do anything. He has to choose his own path.” General Organa’s voice is impossibly kind. And he is her son, after all. She should have a chance to mourn him. _So why am I mourning him instead? ___

__She plays with a thread that has escaped from her sleeve. _Join me, _he’d said. Hand extended to her. Join him where? she thinks now. In the darkness? And what perplexes her is that even now that for a shred of a moment she’d almost taken his hand. Had almost joined him. She’d actually considered taking the side of a monster, a ruthless murderer who wanted to destroy all the goodness that she’d never known. To draw a shade over the light.___ _

_____You’re nothing _, he’d said. _But not to me. ______ _ _ _

________“I should have killed him,” she says to the general. Her savage tone is unexpected even to herself. Something to combat the way his voice rings through her mind. “When I had the chance-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Then you would have been like them all.” General Organa lays a gentle hand on her arm. Nearly flinches at the touch, being so little used to being gently touched. Finn has embraced her- and a fierce embrace, clutching her close as though afraid she would disappear in a puff of smoke. Soft touches are something different. Should make her uncomfortable if she wasn’t so grateful they existed. “You did the right thing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“But I could have ended this war-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t dwell on what’s past, Rey. We can only look ahead. Anything else leads us to the dark. And now you’ll want to rest.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It is a command more than a suggestion, Rey knows this; but truthfully she is exhausted, her body heavy and aching from battle, and her mind still half-frenzied from the prowlings of Snoke. So too from the words of Kylo Ren._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________You’re nothing. But not to me. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She rises from the bench, murmuring to the general, and hauls her body off to a bunk. When she lays down it’s as though she can feel every bruise on her body, the strain of every muscle. Closes her eyes and tries to sink into the forgiving darkness of sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Somehow, instead, sees his features made luminous by his lightsaber, the way his cheeks shone because he was weeping when she left him. And so was she. And the way his hand trembled when he reached for her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She had almost taken his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Maybe it was only because she had gotten used to his presence. The way he appeared suddenly, his voice reaching her from across the galaxy just as though he were beside her. It was enough that she had grown comfortable with him, because she was stupid and had so little experience with people- and he had seemed, in some twisted way, to care for her. Or did he care only for what she could do?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Even now as she attempts to sleep the Force hums inside of her like a living thing. Her greatest strength and her greatest weakness, the thing that allowed her to withstand him and the thing that bound them together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The way is shut, she thinks. She could not go back now even if she wanted to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Or could she? Her mind is so troubled. Sleep eludes her. He had tried to use her as a window into her surroundings, to find Luke Skywalker. So perhaps she could do the same to him- could peer into his mind and pluck things out that might save them. That could stop him altogether._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That could bring him home. Could bring him back to the light._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Stupid girl with her stupid ideas. Acting as though she could make him do the right thing. _You’re nothing. But not to me. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Then what am I to you? A pawn? A battery whose power you can use? Then you’re no better than Snoke. You’re worse than Snoke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Her fists tighten and she flops onto her side. Imagines she can hear his voice for half an instant before the sting of her nails in her palm forces it back again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As much as she longs for it she cannot sleep. There were so few survivors, but the ship is crawling with people, alive with voices and energy. She swings her legs from the bunk and quietly makes her way to the cargo bay, seeking out some quiet, dark corner where the crowds do not reach. Something like where she slept on Jakku. Small and dark and quite her own. There’s a bundle of cargo nets in the corner for securing things and here she furls herself, pulling an old tarp over her bare shoulders._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________You’re nothing. But not to me. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Yes. He was right. All her life she had been nothing- a scavenger rat scrabbling for cast-offs, at the mercy partly of Unkar Plutt, but less mercifully at the gnawing of her own mind. The scraping insistence that she was no one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And then Finn had grabbed her hand and pulled her straight out of Jakku, straight out of the shifting nothingness of her past, and suddenly she had become someone. A hero. Force sensitive. Nothing in the universe that she could not touch, even the clouded mind of Kylo Ren. It felt good to be someone. To be waited for and sought after and worried over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________You’re wrong, Ben Solo. I am someone. And you should be afraid of me. I’m going to make all of this right again. Somehow. Next time, I won’t just walk away from you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________. . ._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He looks fruitlessly for something to throw. Something he can hound the wall with until he is surrounded by sparks and circuits, the modes of his own destruction, and take a little comfort in that. But there is nothing- no helmet to smash into the wall- so he attacks the girder running through his chambers with both fists._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The steel shreds first his gloves and then the skin on his knuckles. When he stops his hands are bruised and bleeding and he curses himself, because only a fool would ruin his hands when he fights with a lightsaber. But they sting and ache and feed the blooming, intolerable rage that has formed like a wormhole in his chest. Into which everything must go and nothing can return._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He sinks onto the sleeping bench. Looks at his palms for a moment, and buries his head in his hands, gripping onto his skull as though wishing he could rip it off, hair and all, and shed his mortal skin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Duped. Tricked. Fooled. Idiot. Stupid. Feels his nails digging. By Skywalker, by the general, by the girl. The girl. He had offered her the universe and she had walked away- had offered her unlimited power, and she had left him anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Left him alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________In the silence he sits with himself and contemplates his solitariness. The air around him vibrates with his breathing and nothing else. Not even Snoke lurking in the dark corners of his mind, and the scavenger-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He was a fool to seek her. And a fool to open the channels that lay between them as though it would be good for him. Had fooled himself into believing they would be stronger together- his power and her power uniting, standing together. Together. Against everyone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Then what am I to you? A pawn?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Imagines he can hear her, although the door is shut. You could have been everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________A battery whose power you can use?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Then you’re no better than Snoke. You’re worse than Snoke._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Is she really speaking to him? Perhaps. Like whispering through a crack in the door, she does not let him see her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Snoke used pawns. He couldn’t have done any of this without me. Without the First Order. Snoke was a figurehead and now he is dead because he was weak like everyone else. Like all masters are. I wouldn’t have been your master. I would be your equal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________You’re wrong, Ben Solo. I am someone. And you should be afraid of me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He is afraid of her, he thinks. Afraid of watching her leave again. You should be afraid of me too, scavenger. Next time, I won’t let you walk away from me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> um yeah i was listening to cosmic love by florence + the machine and this just sort of happened anyway i'm sorry


End file.
